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lauralhwhy can't people just be rational and logical in their love lives? or at least honest. this is not a movie, this is real life dammit.
there are at least two relationship lies that I don't believe:
one: I'm just not ready for a serious relationship right now.
this either means "... with you." or "I want to fuck around some more" or both.
two: I don't really see myself falling in love with you, because there's not the "spark".
riiiight. because you can totally 100% predict the future. well, gee, if you aren't open to it, then wow, maybe it won't happen. this is just one of those things that annoys me because it shows the person saying it is a romantic. Like, ok, you can't fall in love with someone because they are too fat or too stupid or too ugly or too annoying, that's fine.
another "favorite" is "I don't want to ruin our friendship". this basically means "I don't find you sexually attractive."
how about you guys?
there are at least two relationship lies that I don't believe:
one: I'm just not ready for a serious relationship right now.
this either means "... with you." or "I want to fuck around some more" or both.
two: I don't really see myself falling in love with you, because there's not the "spark".
riiiight. because you can totally 100% predict the future. well, gee, if you aren't open to it, then wow, maybe it won't happen. this is just one of those things that annoys me because it shows the person saying it is a romantic. Like, ok, you can't fall in love with someone because they are too fat or too stupid or too ugly or too annoying, that's fine.
another "favorite" is "I don't want to ruin our friendship". this basically means "I don't find you sexually attractive."
how about you guys?
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no subject
Date: 2003-11-25 03:36 pm (UTC)And I've had points where I wasn't ready for a serious relationship. But I only found this out when I jumped in to one and ran screaming a few weeks later.
I think there are exceptions to everything. And that people spend a lot of time justifying things.
But I think, in the long run, it's about being happy with what you have.
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Date: 2003-11-25 03:55 pm (UTC)right but you got into one. that sorta proves my point.
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Date: 2003-11-25 04:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-11-25 04:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-11-25 04:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-11-25 04:38 pm (UTC)I think people can and can't be ready for relationships for sure, but it has very little bearing on whether they say these things like "i'm not ready for a relationship" or not.
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Date: 2003-11-25 03:57 pm (UTC)close, but too simple, I would say. being happy w/ what you have leads to complacency and lethargy. you should accept what you have, but strive for more, and be happy with the lessons you learn along the way.
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Date: 2003-11-25 03:50 pm (UTC)actually, I think this can be quite valid, due to
1) just getting *out* of a serious relationship that the person is still recovering from and/or getting over, and they feel their brain isn't in a stable enough place to be a partner in another relationship yet
2) they feel they have more growing/learning to do as a person before they would feel right about committing to another person.
3) they don't want a serious relationship, period, and are trying to be nice about it (because, although many try to fool themselves into thinking that honesty is the best policy, this just isn't always true).
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Date: 2003-11-25 04:03 pm (UTC)Right, this is why people never ever ever leave their Significant Others for someone else, or why rebounds never become actual relationships.
2) they feel they have more growing/learning to do as a person before they would feel right about committing to another person.
I think this is the most stupidest [sic] thing ever. Committing to someone doesn't STOP you from learning or growing, unless that person is a control freak dickface cuntrag.
3) they don't want a serious relationship, period, and are trying to be nice about it (because, although many try to fool themselves into thinking that honesty is the best policy, this just isn't always true).
this is basically a variant on "just wants to fuck around."
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Date: 2003-11-25 04:03 pm (UTC)Not sure if I buy that at face value exactly. There are a lot of circumstances where somebody can just be genuinely not ready and not aware of it until they try. (Being in a relationship of any sort tends to make one discover things about themselves that they weren't necessarily aware of before.)
That being said, my experience is that its synonymous with what you're saying in the long run. Sooner or later people get past whatever "not ready" feeling they have and decide they are willing to give things a go again, and I don't think I've ever seen a case where it was with the person who was informed of the not ready feeling.
I'll echo the above sentiment though of being happy with what you have from an intrapersonal perspective to some extent, as long as you allow for changes in other people and yourself. Being happy with what you have doesn't imply no desire for something more, those things are not mutually exclusive.
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Date: 2003-11-25 04:07 pm (UTC)Yeah this is basically my point.
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Date: 2003-11-25 04:21 pm (UTC)I've been in a several "might have been" relationships that played through as I described above, but I don't think I would have wanted to run the risk of one or both parties being hurt because one of them wasn't able to make that sort of commitment. Diving into an intimate relationship when you're not capable of on destroys relationships.
(Oh, and I need to correct my statement above a little bit. I HAVE seen people get back together after one party told the other that they weren't ready. But that's very much the exception, not the rule from what I've observed. I wish I were still in contact with that particular couple, I'm curious as to whether it amounted to anything.)
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Date: 2003-11-25 04:15 pm (UTC)personally, I just stick to saying no, and not giving any excuses. Let them come up with their own reasons why they're horrible and undesirable.
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Date: 2003-11-25 04:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-11-25 10:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-11-25 11:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-11-25 04:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-11-25 04:24 pm (UTC)Huh, thought I'd hit {submit}...
Date: 2003-11-25 04:30 pm (UTC)Honesty is one of the top ten somethings to maintaining a relationship, any relationship. However, another of the top ten is "tact", which sometimes needs to mean "careful social lying, used in order to preserve the dignity of one or more parties".
Re: Huh, thought I'd hit {submit}...
Date: 2003-11-25 04:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-11-25 04:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-11-26 10:26 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-11-26 11:27 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-11-25 04:57 pm (UTC)full disclosure is not really the best idea.
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Date: 2003-11-25 04:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-11-25 04:21 pm (UTC)riiiight. because you can totally 100% predict the future. well, gee, if you aren't open to it, then wow, maybe it won't happen.
no one can predict the future 100%, but the many times I've thought this, and went ahead and tried to make the relationship work anyway, it has ended poorly. But then I'm a closet optimist.
In any case, if someone says this it really doesn't matter if they are right or if they are bullshitting or if they are creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. the end result is the same so its not really worth trying to change their mind.
The rest of it I think you are totally spot on.
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Date: 2003-11-25 04:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-11-25 04:55 pm (UTC)It's a trap!
Date: 2003-11-25 05:07 pm (UTC)Re: It's a trap!
Date: 2003-11-26 12:05 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-11-26 09:00 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-11-25 04:59 pm (UTC)"Wally, dear Wally," she says. "I'm so sorry you said that, because now I have to break your heart in the harshest way possible. I have to make absolutely sure that you never, under any circumstances, suspect that you and I have a chance together. And it's going to hurt. But here we go."
(I'm paraphrasing, but that's how it went)
I can't say that I would prefer someone shatter my dreams one time, as opposed to being vague enough at the moment of crisis to give me naive hopes for months and months. But it would make for interesting variety.
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Date: 2003-11-25 08:54 pm (UTC)The worst line I ever got was "I know that I hurt you by picking someone else, but I'm not going to apologize. You're supposed to be happy for me!" Not even a year after that tactful statement came out, she was cheating on the guy. In a way, I should be glad she didn't choose me...
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Date: 2003-11-26 06:46 am (UTC)I adore that one. That means "Don't go too far away because you're fun to fuck, but don't stay too close because I want to fuck other people, too"
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Date: 2003-11-26 08:58 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-11-26 07:48 am (UTC)Actually, I said that to a friend of mine way back earlier this year, when it was Oh So Fuckin' True. Nowadays, when it is no longer true, we're negotiating relationship stuff. So it's not always "...with you".
Just depressingly often.
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Date: 2003-11-26 08:57 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-11-26 09:05 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-11-26 10:07 am (UTC)>>this either means "... with you." or "I want to fuck around some more" or both.<<
No. I'd rather have zero contact w/ girls than be in a relationship with one. Relationships are pretty gay.
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Date: 2003-11-26 11:16 am (UTC)