argh

Nov. 25th, 2003 03:30 pm
lauralh: (pirate queen)
[personal profile] lauralh
why can't people just be rational and logical in their love lives? or at least honest. this is not a movie, this is real life dammit.

there are at least two relationship lies that I don't believe:

one: I'm just not ready for a serious relationship right now.

this either means "... with you." or "I want to fuck around some more" or both.

two: I don't really see myself falling in love with you, because there's not the "spark".

riiiight. because you can totally 100% predict the future. well, gee, if you aren't open to it, then wow, maybe it won't happen. this is just one of those things that annoys me because it shows the person saying it is a romantic. Like, ok, you can't fall in love with someone because they are too fat or too stupid or too ugly or too annoying, that's fine.

another "favorite" is "I don't want to ruin our friendship". this basically means "I don't find you sexually attractive."

how about you guys?

Date: 2003-11-25 03:36 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] duckierose.livejournal.com
I'm falling in to at least two of these categories right now. But I've also told people those things. And sometimes, your interpretation was dead on. There have been times, though, where I didn't get involved with someone because he was my best friend, and we both went through relationships like tissue. So it just made sense.

And I've had points where I wasn't ready for a serious relationship. But I only found this out when I jumped in to one and ran screaming a few weeks later.

I think there are exceptions to everything. And that people spend a lot of time justifying things.

But I think, in the long run, it's about being happy with what you have.

Date: 2003-11-25 03:55 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] herbaliser.livejournal.com
And I've had points where I wasn't ready for a serious relationship. But I only found this out when I jumped in to one and ran screaming a few weeks later.

right but you got into one. that sorta proves my point.

Date: 2003-11-25 04:00 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] baroof.livejournal.com
I would think that getting into a serious relationship when one isn't ready could potentially be far more damaging to both parties than the simple ego bruising garnered by the refusal.
(deleted comment)

Date: 2003-11-25 04:12 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] herbaliser.livejournal.com
hm, i don't, see above.

Date: 2003-11-25 04:12 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] herbaliser.livejournal.com
See I don't know, I think that the rewards of being in a relationship with someone who is right for you, but you aren't "ready", far outweigh the disadvantages. Obviously if someone just doesn't make you feel that way then it doesn't matter if you're ready or not.

Date: 2003-11-25 04:38 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] chris.livejournal.com
Yes it could, but that doesn't mean people don't do it all the time anyway. If you really, really dig on someone, do you let little things like timing and circumstance get in the way?

I think people can and can't be ready for relationships for sure, but it has very little bearing on whether they say these things like "i'm not ready for a relationship" or not.

Date: 2003-11-25 03:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] baroof.livejournal.com
it's about being happy with what you have.

close, but too simple, I would say. being happy w/ what you have leads to complacency and lethargy. you should accept what you have, but strive for more, and be happy with the lessons you learn along the way.

Date: 2003-11-25 03:50 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] baroof.livejournal.com
I'm just not ready for a serious relationship right now.

actually, I think this can be quite valid, due to

1) just getting *out* of a serious relationship that the person is still recovering from and/or getting over, and they feel their brain isn't in a stable enough place to be a partner in another relationship yet

2) they feel they have more growing/learning to do as a person before they would feel right about committing to another person.

3) they don't want a serious relationship, period, and are trying to be nice about it (because, although many try to fool themselves into thinking that honesty is the best policy, this just isn't always true).

Date: 2003-11-25 04:03 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] herbaliser.livejournal.com
1) just getting *out* of a serious relationship that the person is still recovering from and/or getting over, and they feel their brain isn't in a stable enough place to be a partner in another relationship yet

Right, this is why people never ever ever leave their Significant Others for someone else, or why rebounds never become actual relationships.

2) they feel they have more growing/learning to do as a person before they would feel right about committing to another person.

I think this is the most stupidest [sic] thing ever. Committing to someone doesn't STOP you from learning or growing, unless that person is a control freak dickface cuntrag.

3) they don't want a serious relationship, period, and are trying to be nice about it (because, although many try to fool themselves into thinking that honesty is the best policy, this just isn't always true).

this is basically a variant on "just wants to fuck around."

Date: 2003-11-25 04:03 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] llarian.livejournal.com
this either means "... with you." or "I want to fuck around some more" or both.

Not sure if I buy that at face value exactly. There are a lot of circumstances where somebody can just be genuinely not ready and not aware of it until they try. (Being in a relationship of any sort tends to make one discover things about themselves that they weren't necessarily aware of before.)

That being said, my experience is that its synonymous with what you're saying in the long run. Sooner or later people get past whatever "not ready" feeling they have and decide they are willing to give things a go again, and I don't think I've ever seen a case where it was with the person who was informed of the not ready feeling.

I'll echo the above sentiment though of being happy with what you have from an intrapersonal perspective to some extent, as long as you allow for changes in other people and yourself. Being happy with what you have doesn't imply no desire for something more, those things are not mutually exclusive.

Date: 2003-11-25 04:07 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] herbaliser.livejournal.com
That being said, my experience is that its synonymous with what you're saying in the long run. Sooner or later people get past whatever "not ready" feeling they have and decide they are willing to give things a go again, and I don't think I've ever seen a case where it was with the person who was informed of the not ready feeling.

Yeah this is basically my point.

Date: 2003-11-25 04:21 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] llarian.livejournal.com
I see your point, but its still a valid call to make.

I've been in a several "might have been" relationships that played through as I described above, but I don't think I would have wanted to run the risk of one or both parties being hurt because one of them wasn't able to make that sort of commitment. Diving into an intimate relationship when you're not capable of on destroys relationships.

(Oh, and I need to correct my statement above a little bit. I HAVE seen people get back together after one party told the other that they weren't ready. But that's very much the exception, not the rule from what I've observed. I wish I were still in contact with that particular couple, I'm curious as to whether it amounted to anything.)

Date: 2003-11-25 04:15 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] billyfleetwood.livejournal.com
rational thinking, honesty, logic, sex...one of these things is not like the other...one of these things does not belong.

personally, I just stick to saying no, and not giving any excuses. Let them come up with their own reasons why they're horrible and undesirable.

Date: 2003-11-25 04:21 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] herbaliser.livejournal.com
"You're too ugly for me to be seen in public with."

Date: 2003-11-25 10:59 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sarahbliss.livejournal.com
I'm guilty of that one.
(deleted comment)

Date: 2003-11-25 11:02 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] hotcrab.livejournal.com
you aren't ready for a relationship because the person in question doesn't push the right buttons for you. its amazing how quickly you would be ready for a relationship if they did.

Date: 2003-11-25 04:20 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ladytabitha.livejournal.com
Simple. honesty and relationships don't mix.

Date: 2003-11-25 04:24 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] llarian.livejournal.com
Cheap cynicism. Honesty is probably one of the most important facets of MAINTAINING a relationship.

Huh, thought I'd hit {submit}...

Date: 2003-11-25 04:30 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ladytabitha.livejournal.com
Same as this post, honestly.

Honesty is one of the top ten somethings to maintaining a relationship, any relationship.  However, another of the top ten is "tact", which sometimes needs to mean "careful social lying, used in order to preserve the dignity of one or more parties".

Re: Huh, thought I'd hit {submit}...

Date: 2003-11-25 04:34 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] llarian.livejournal.com
Tact and honesty are not exclusive. "careful social lying" has a tendency to come back and bite people in the ass.

Date: 2003-11-25 04:59 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] herbaliser.livejournal.com
i prefer Careful Social Omission.

Date: 2003-11-26 10:26 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] verybadlady.livejournal.com
CSO should be a new term.

Date: 2003-11-26 11:27 am (UTC)

Date: 2003-11-25 04:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] herbaliser.livejournal.com
only to a certain point.

full disclosure is not really the best idea.

Date: 2003-11-25 04:46 pm (UTC)

Date: 2003-11-25 04:21 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] chris.livejournal.com
two: I don't really see myself falling in love with you, because there's not the "spark".

riiiight. because you can totally 100% predict the future. well, gee, if you aren't open to it, then wow, maybe it won't happen.


no one can predict the future 100%, but the many times I've thought this, and went ahead and tried to make the relationship work anyway, it has ended poorly. But then I'm a closet optimist.

In any case, if someone says this it really doesn't matter if they are right or if they are bullshitting or if they are creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. the end result is the same so its not really worth trying to change their mind.

The rest of it I think you are totally spot on.

Date: 2003-11-25 04:24 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] shekb.livejournal.com
I always say, if you're going to crush someone's heart into a little damp wad and tear it into little pieces, you do it in the most painful possible way. You know, because you should always be honest.

Date: 2003-11-25 04:55 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] herbaliser.livejournal.com
"Unless I'm drunk, I don't find you very attractive."

It's a trap!

Date: 2003-11-25 05:07 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] shekb.livejournal.com
"Here's a double shot of Cuervo. Get cracking."

Re: It's a trap!

Date: 2003-11-26 12:05 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] aefirpo.livejournal.com
I think this man has the right idea.

Date: 2003-11-26 09:00 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] herbaliser.livejournal.com
it got to be too expensive for the poor lad.

Date: 2003-11-25 04:59 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] perich.livejournal.com
I'm reminded of an episode of the once-hilarious "Malcolm in the Middle" where the mom, Lois, has to confront the fact that her manager at the supermarket has an irreconcilable crush on her. Let's presume his name is Wally, since I've forgotten it.

"Wally, dear Wally," she says. "I'm so sorry you said that, because now I have to break your heart in the harshest way possible. I have to make absolutely sure that you never, under any circumstances, suspect that you and I have a chance together. And it's going to hurt. But here we go."

(I'm paraphrasing, but that's how it went)

I can't say that I would prefer someone shatter my dreams one time, as opposed to being vague enough at the moment of crisis to give me naive hopes for months and months. But it would make for interesting variety.

Date: 2003-11-25 08:54 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rockcandy76.livejournal.com
"Let's be friends for the time being" is really "Please get the hell away from me. My friends don't like you, and neither do my parents!" I got that with the very first girl I dated.

The worst line I ever got was "I know that I hurt you by picking someone else, but I'm not going to apologize. You're supposed to be happy for me!" Not even a year after that tactful statement came out, she was cheating on the guy. In a way, I should be glad she didn't choose me...

Date: 2003-11-26 06:46 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] janiev.livejournal.com
"I love you but I'm not in love with you"

I adore that one. That means "Don't go too far away because you're fun to fuck, but don't stay too close because I want to fuck other people, too"

Date: 2003-11-26 08:58 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] herbaliser.livejournal.com
That one is terribly stupid, yeah. I mean I love most of my close friends so who cares.

Date: 2003-11-26 07:48 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ladytabitha.livejournal.com
I'm just not ready for a serious relationship right now.

Actually, I said that to a friend of mine way back earlier this year, when it was Oh So Fuckin' True.  Nowadays, when it is no longer true, we're negotiating relationship stuff.  So it's not always "...with you".

Just depressingly often.

Date: 2003-11-26 08:57 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] herbaliser.livejournal.com
it's lucky your friend waited, though.

Date: 2003-11-26 09:05 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ladytabitha.livejournal.com
Oh, yes; it is lucky that she knew what shit was going on, and waited.

Date: 2003-11-26 10:07 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] symme7ry.livejournal.com

>>this either means "... with you." or "I want to fuck around some more" or both.<<

No. I'd rather have zero contact w/ girls than be in a relationship with one. Relationships are pretty gay.

Date: 2003-11-26 11:16 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] herbaliser.livejournal.com
"you kissed a girl? that is so gay!"

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