today's important question

[lauralh]

from here:

How many 5 year-olds could you take on at once?

rules:

- You are in an enclosed area, roughly the size of a basketball court. There are no foreign objects.
- You are not allowed to touch a wall.
- When you are knocked unconscious, you lose. When they are all knocked unconscious, they lose. Once a kid is knocked unconscious, that kid is "out."
- I (or someone else intent on seeing to it you fail) get to choose the kids from a pool that is twice the size of your magic number. The pool will be 50/50 in terms of gender and will have no discernable abnormalities in terms of demographics, other than they are all healthy Americans.
- The kids receive one day of training from hand-to-hand combat experts who will train them specifically to team up to take down one adult. You will receive one hour of "counter-tactics" training.
- There is no protective padding for any combatant other than the standard-issue cup.
* The kids are motivated enough to not get scared, regardless of the bloodshed. Even the very last one will give it his/her best to take you down.

[Poll #465493]

thanks to iamdonte

edit: I am fucking ashamed of you men. Five-year-olds have no stamina; one punch and they are DOWN. Revise your answers.

Comments

[perich.livejournal.com]

I submit that anyone who put a number larger than "1" has never dealt with an angry five-year-old.

[harryh.livejournal.com]

I haven't.
In which case I am clearly doomed by my far above average vote.

[herbaliser.livejournal.com]

They still don't fucking come up to your waist.

[jimbojones.livejournal.com]

pffff, normally you aren't ALLOWED to get violent with 'em.

now if you asked me how many angered five year olds I could REASON with simultaneously, that would be an entirely different answer...

[duckierose.livejournal.com]

I've run a daycare center.

You are wrong.

[asabass.livejournal.com]

I think my actual number would be "3".

without their training I would up that.

[herbaliser.livejournal.com]

just one day of training, shit, they'd forget most of it!

[verybadlady.livejournal.com]

I had to change my results since I'm pregnant. :P

[skiplogic.livejournal.com]

The kids are motivated enough to not get scared, regardless of the bloodshed. Even the very last one will give it his/her best to take you down.

This is the part that gets me... any animal as large as a 5-year-old human, if motivated enough not to get scared, is deadly. Your primary weapon in a fight with anything smaller than you is fear, disable that and it's anyone's guess.

taking this question seriously makes me sound like a sicko

[jimbojones.livejournal.com]

I went for the full 96. No matter what you do in a day, even if you magically de-fear them, you aren't going to turn 5-year-olds into effective team combatants. (Ever watched a peewee soccer game?)

They aren't going to be able to get more than five maximum to bear on you at any given time, three of those are going to get in each others' way, and if we're assuming absolute brutality here it takes very little energy to deliver a knee to a skull. One of those per customer will do pretty nicely.

Finally, given that the rules specify "knockout" - how the hell is any size group of five year olds going to knock an adult male out? They can't possibly muster enough concussive force, and they aren't physically strong enough or dextrous enough for a chokehold. Even if you fuck up and let 'em trip you up and get you down, the only way they can win is through bloodloss, and the only way they have to infict bleeding wounds is through biting... and no matter how much nobody wants to get bitten by a shithead little kid, let's face it, homo sapiens isn't exactly designed for dental warfare.

So, yeah. Ninety-six, with possible stalemate if I fuck up, but no chance of a win for the rug-rats.

(But don't ask me how much THERAPY I'd need afterwards... ::shudder::)

[herbaliser.livejournal.com]

you mean you wouldn't be laughing with glee all the way to the hospital?

Re: taking this question seriously makes me sound like a sicko

[ernunnos.livejournal.com]

I guarantee you I could turn a pack of 5 year olds into a thing to be feared.

You really only have to teach them two things:

1. How to grab on and drag you down.
2. How to do a mule kick. (Basically, jump up in the air and kick with both of your feet as you land. Couple of 40 lb. kids do that on your head a few times, you will go out.)

I'd make a game out of it. They'd have fun.

Re: taking this question seriously makes me sound like a sicko

[wurmwyd.livejournal.com]

Hi There!

(But don't ask me how much THERAPY I'd need afterwards... ::shudder::)

Damn, and I was just thinking that wiping a room full of 96 screaming little brats would be the most therapeutic thing a person could DO!!


Man, I am fucked up.

[wurmwyd.livejournal.com]

Hi There!

Ooh, I missed the part where they get only ONE day of training. I thought it was simply that they get: "training to take down an adult". I know they have those little juvie black belts that supposedly can kill a pedophile with a quick kick to the instep, but I don't buy that. I think they'd still be able to hurt an adult fairly well, but as you said, one punch would totally take them out. So, I was thinking probably ten of them, if they were all Little Pint-Sized Dragon Warrior Bitches. I bet I could take maybe 20 or so of them if they were just regular kids with a day of training.

Then again, I am a total whuss-boy.

[duckierose.livejournal.com]

I really hope the people who answered "1" have no arms and no legs.

[jette.livejournal.com]

I know from my experiences with children that sixteen is as many as I could take. (Except for the actual knocking them unconcious part, of course.)

They're tougher than they look.

I Will Say One Thing

[perich.livejournal.com]

I think you've just about cured my pre-class nerves re: my test for second-kyu brown belt tonight.

"Well, they may have weight and training on me, but at least they're not five year olds. Those fuckers are dangerous!"

Revised my answer to a (very generous) 16.

[cpf.livejournal.com]

Considering that my leg weighs more than five year olds, I can move it at a much greater velocity than they can run, and my foot is larger than their heads... the real question is not how many can I knock out but how can I hit them without killing them?

And since you did not specify, I assumed that I get to choose my outfit. With the strategic advantage of fairly tight (ungrabbable) jeans and a good pair of work boots I would revise my vote upwards.

[chris.livejournal.com]

whoa, you're not allowed to kill them?

[chris.livejournal.com]

the whole trick here is to keep them at bay. use your advantage of reach and strength. well placed kicks to the head and neck will take these kids down (remember, they are fearless, one punch might hurt them but they will keep coming.).

if you let them get to close though, they will latch on and you will be overwhelmed. it only takes about 5 of them to do this.

[goldfischegirl.livejournal.com]

They bite!
But i could still kick the fucking shit out of them.
I bite too.

[jimbojones.livejournal.com]

Since they don't care about pain, biting them anywhere but the throat is going to be relatively useless. Unless, you know, it's just sort of a placeholder. Kinda like holding part of a string in your teeth when you're tying a knot.

"Lemme sink some teeth in this one little fucker's hand so he quits trying to fishhook my eyeball, while I break the ankle on this other one. I need both hands for that."

[disarrayed.livejournal.com]

I'd say I could take 76ish. The thing to remember is that since 5 year olds aren't very tall/heavy, you can pick up two and swing 'em like sticks. They'll knock a few down, then you can chuck those two into a crowd. That should at least give you enough leeway to run over the rest. Also, good useage of the walls would be recommended. Save the fat kids for last, they're least likely to take to the training and just jump on you when you're down. Go for the skinny ones first.

[almosttruth.livejournal.com]

FUCK!!! you are très populaire!!

[moderndayknight.livejournal.com]

Snatch one of the little bastards up by his ankles and turn him into a weapon.

[atypical-gnu.livejournal.com]

I'm with you. If you use one of them as a 45 pound club during a few airplane swings, you should be able to take out at least 20-30 of them in about 10 seconds. You can then release him/her hammerthrow style into the largest group you spot,and repeat the process.

[katyakoshka.livejournal.com]

This post and the comments below... well, they made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, restoring my faith in mankind. Seriously.