lauralh | on addiction

I wrote something on my web site.

While walking in Marymoor Park with a friend, we discussed addiction. I never really "got" addiction. I think it's partly because of my "puritan" upbringing. While I've managed to shake the "if it feels good it must be bad" syndrome, I still sort of think "if it feels too good it can't happen too often." Which has served me well. Although I'm not sure if it's a puritan/hedonist viewpoint, or just one of those things where likewise I'm untrustworthy of happy people. Not that I'd rather be miserable than feel good, but I'd rather just feel normal than blissed out constantly. Once in a while (a day, a week) is ok, but I've occupied a state of normalcy for so long that I'm incapable of functioning when I'm not close to that state.

Anyway. So I claimed I'd never gotten to the point in a substance or activity where junkies get, the point where the pleasure is gone but you keep doing it anyway. Then I thought for a second, and amended it: "Unless we count dating." And it is oh so true. Even not dating, sometimes, just friendships can get to that point where the memory of the pleasure is far far greater than the actual pleasure received from being in the relationship.

And just when it gets to the point where you might consider ending things, the other person somehow recreates the pleasure, and you have a perfect day. Of course the frequency of these perfect days has no option but to decrease, and soon it's not a perfect day that makes you stay, but just a perfect hour. And you know it's no good, you know you gotta get out, but it just keeps cycling on.

So that's my addiction. Which is all the more amusing as I'm such a misanthrope. But hey, maybe that's why.