lauralh | i tell you, I think too much

I'm freaking out a lot less than I used to - at least I don't notice it as much - about being single. It's a hard adjustment to make mentally sometimes. I did all the right things, of course - moved out into a place with good people, met lots of new guys, slept with a few of them, drink almost too much, put in more hours at work - and as a result I hardly even thought about it.

Most of the time.

But every now and again - especially after a weird dream - I have a semi-existential crisis. Because I don't know what I want, really. Oh, I know what I desire, and I know what I can get, but that's like short-term stuff. And I'm apparently having a good time, except you know, I do realize it's short-term.

What I crave is intimacy, emotional and physical. I basically think one of the purposes of life is to create emotional connections with people, so that's what I'm trying to do. But then, I also think one of the purposes of life is to experience as much pleasure as possible. These are not necessarily at cross-purposes, but sometimes the latter can interfere with the former. Sex doesn't always have to be about an emotional connection, but I kind of prefer it that way. Otherwise it's just sort of like, ok, get out of the bed now, I'll call you, really.

But the habit of having these things in a secure relationship is hard to break. Neurons fire, pleasure centers explode, but then I realize that I'm actually not with my boyfriend, and it just seems a little wrong. Not because it's wrong, just because it's not what I'm used to. And sometimes this is hard to remember.

I'd say that I'm trying to be someone that I'm not - except I don't even know who I am anymore. I spent so long in that relationship and let it define who I was and what my life meant. Not in a really extreme "woman has no life but man" way, but it was always a factor in every decision. And now I have absolutely no one to account for but myself.

So I'm just trying out some different things, I guess. Trying to decide if I like things that I've never (or very rarely) done. I put on a hat and stare in the mirror to see if "it's me." And then I put on a jacket to see if it's me. And then the vinyl pants. Those rule.