elements of hedonism

[lauralh]

Today I described myself as an "aesthetic hedonistic minimalist techno-geek." I suppose that's not far from accurate. Except that leaves out my travel fetish.

What do you call someone with a travel fetish? Aside from a backpacker that is. I don't mind the backpacker life, except that I already tend to travel with friends, so have little desire to meet fellow travelers. I think I'd lean more towards the jet-set society than the backpackers. Because, you know, the former tend to bathe more regularly, dress a little nicer, and know how to use a razor (that's my aesthetics coming back again - I like to be surrounded by beautiful things).


So. Aesthetics. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the reincarnation of Oscar Wilde (with of course his wit greatly reduced as karmic punishment) - of course it would be punishment enough to be put into these United States in this day in age, when beauty is not something that people seem to give a fuck about. Unless it's the same "beautiful thing" that your neighbor has. I can sometimes find it in books and film, rarely in young men, alas. Although my standard of beauty in that department tends to require imperfection. A perfect-looking man is no man for me.

Which moves us forward to sex. I have a somewhat womanish view towards it - in that I can't have sex with someone I'm not both mentally and physically attracted to. It just doesn't really interest me otherwise. I'd probably even have to have coffee with Johnny Depp before jumping in the sack with him. Or, ok, maybe just a couple of drinks. But really, everyone I've even drunkenly hooked up with gave me good talk first.

Of course my actual attitude towards sex makes this kind of superfluous. When I'm in the actual moment, I get so caught up in things that I start to lose touch with reality. Nothing else matters but the orgasm, not the laundry, not the weather, not even the person I'm with. (This is why I'm not an exhibitionist - if there's even the slightest chance of being caught, it ruins everything. This is also why I like sex under the influence of alcohol and other drugs that make it hard to think.)

And alcohol in general gets me pretty happy. Not as happy as other things, but it does the job, generally. It can numb the mind just enough to push me forward in the pursuit of pleasure. I used to call dancing my one religion, since I always found it to be a spiritual experience, but perhaps that was the wrong word. I never really felt connected to strangers at raves, just to the music. I became one with the music, with or without drinking, almost always. It lifted me to heights I'd never imagined, and I became the only person there. Oh, I was aware of other people, on the fringes of my senses, but they only seemed to exist because I didn't mind them being there.

So the true purpose of hedonism - my "religion" if you will - is not reach a higher state of consciousness, so much, nor to feel deep connections with all things, but to actually Become God. Ultimate narcissism. Or, if you have a geekish bent, the Totally Perspective Vortex, and you're in the universe created just for you. You see all of reality in relation to yourself, and you are the most important thing in it.

This is what happened the first time I took ecstasy. Everyone else says that they felt love for everyone, but I had none of that. Everyone else felt love for me. They may as well have not been there, except perhaps to give me massages. I saw the universe - or at least the room - in relation to myself - and it was pulsating.

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[jumper42.livejournal.com]

if hedonism is your religion, then consider me a faithfull follower of said religion.