![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lauralhWHY SUMMER SUCKS ASS
by emily_swank
1. It gets too hot and your clothes get too tight and you have to do that thing where you put your hair up on top of your head so it stays off your neck and you look like somebody's fat grandma and you start thinking "I'm fat I'm fat I'm fat I'm fat" and you're bloated and sweaty and salty and drippy and your armpits stink and it drives you to the crazy place. And everywhere you look is people who can afford cars with air conditioning and they're driving around with the windows up eating ice cream cones and you're driving way down low beneath their SUV wonderment, miserable.
2. At home, You must have the windows open to survive. Because there is no air conditioning in old rainy cold Seattle, see. So not only do you have flies and wasps trying to eat you up but every bastard child within a two mile radius is all of a sudden screaming bloody hell while inexplicably running back and forth under your open windows and every jackass in town is driving by pretending he's Coolio in his Chevy Cavalier, blaring his stupid bass and you tell yourself, "You can make it one more day without killing someone, cantcha?" But you're not sure you can.
3. Everybody's in a big happy mood! It's sunny! They want to knock on your door and sell you siding and burglar alarm systems and new gutters. They say "Isn't it a nice day?" and you just want to holler "I hate this weather, little miss Safeway Check Out Girl in your little air conditioned haven of miniature watermelons and double ply toilet tissue with hearts on it. I'll have you know I wipe my ass with SCOTT TISSUE-1000 SHEETS A ROLL!!! You got that??? 1000 sheets! I could roll that fucker clear to the COUNTY LINE!".
4. It is only in summer that you fully realize that, while 1/3 of the population may be obese, the other 2/3 of the population is 22, white, perfectly proportioned and wearing little tiny shorts where their little bottoms peek out, completely obliterating your original plan of enjoying that Blizzard while pretending you are totally not 40 pounds overweight.
by emily_swank
1. It gets too hot and your clothes get too tight and you have to do that thing where you put your hair up on top of your head so it stays off your neck and you look like somebody's fat grandma and you start thinking "I'm fat I'm fat I'm fat I'm fat" and you're bloated and sweaty and salty and drippy and your armpits stink and it drives you to the crazy place. And everywhere you look is people who can afford cars with air conditioning and they're driving around with the windows up eating ice cream cones and you're driving way down low beneath their SUV wonderment, miserable.
2. At home, You must have the windows open to survive. Because there is no air conditioning in old rainy cold Seattle, see. So not only do you have flies and wasps trying to eat you up but every bastard child within a two mile radius is all of a sudden screaming bloody hell while inexplicably running back and forth under your open windows and every jackass in town is driving by pretending he's Coolio in his Chevy Cavalier, blaring his stupid bass and you tell yourself, "You can make it one more day without killing someone, cantcha?" But you're not sure you can.
3. Everybody's in a big happy mood! It's sunny! They want to knock on your door and sell you siding and burglar alarm systems and new gutters. They say "Isn't it a nice day?" and you just want to holler "I hate this weather, little miss Safeway Check Out Girl in your little air conditioned haven of miniature watermelons and double ply toilet tissue with hearts on it. I'll have you know I wipe my ass with SCOTT TISSUE-1000 SHEETS A ROLL!!! You got that??? 1000 sheets! I could roll that fucker clear to the COUNTY LINE!".
4. It is only in summer that you fully realize that, while 1/3 of the population may be obese, the other 2/3 of the population is 22, white, perfectly proportioned and wearing little tiny shorts where their little bottoms peek out, completely obliterating your original plan of enjoying that Blizzard while pretending you are totally not 40 pounds overweight.
