advice a la laural

[lauralh]

So I'm just being snarky and mean here. Enjoy, enjoy. Ask your own if you want more.

1. What can I do to be cooler around girls?
   See, this is the kind of question that people ask and you just have to say "What the fuck." Or go all Dave D'angelo and say "COCKY AND FUNNY!"


2. So, there's this girl....
   That's not a question. But I'll still say "Stick to masturbation."


3. How soon after a breakup can I start publicly adoring my new sweetie?
   Well, if you wait too long, the ex won't care, so I'd have to say as soon as possible.


4. my girl lives an hour away, so she's really clingy when we get together. think it's doomed?
   Relationships are always doomed, especially long distance ones.


5. why are you so gay?
   I dunno; that's how YO MOMMA likes it.


6. Should I quit my job? As a matter of principle?
   You mean the principle of knowing you're right and poor? Sure.


7. Laural, I'm shy and can't get a girl, even when I give them money! What should I do?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!1
   Clearly you are visiting the wrong brothel.


8. I seem to be addicted to chocolate. I try to eat more healthy foods, but I just don't seem satisfied until I get a good filling of chocolate cookies or ice cream. How can I eat well, satisfy my cravings and yet keep off the pounds?
   Stop buying chocolate cookies or ice cream.


9. What's the best way to be dumped?
   One word: obituary.


10. If I never further my education, will I really die destitute and pregnant on the beach in San Diego? Or will I die closer to home?
    Probably much closer to home.


11. I own a gun and my town has 25K people.
    That's not a question either.


12. Is it ethical to eat spam? I mean, like, print out all the "hot asian cumslut" emails and sprinkle them on my cereal?
    I can't see how ethics gets into it, unless you care about wasting the trees. Carve it onto stone tablets instead.


13. should i cut my mullet?
    Mullets are dykey on women. If that bothers you, then, yes.


14. Would you personally date someone not interested in books or the arts?
    Not again. Although to be honest I don't get into "the arts" beyond film.

Comments

[das-prompt.livejournal.com]

You're a regular fucking Dr Laura!

[herbaliser.livejournal.com]

hm, if only I could get a regular fucking laural....

[faerysprl.livejournal.com]

hehehehe.