a summary of Oliver Stone's latest
Aug. 2nd, 2005 11:12 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lauralhwell, just the first two hours
Alexander dies!
Forty years later, Ptolemy tells students in Alexandria all about his life::
After Val Kilmer married Angelina Jolie and she had Alexander, she teaches him how to tame "snakes", a lesson he finds quite valuable later in life.
Then his dad comes in and is about to fuck his mom when he sees the boy, and yells at his wife for keeping him in her skirts. He does this basically throughout the movie.
Eight Years Later: Alexander wrestles with Ptolemy, Hephaistion and there's a joke about only losing to his thighs. Blah blah bacephalus won to appease an insult to his mother. Twenty years later Philip is killed by Persians and Alexander goes to kill'em all, keeeeel them all.
Planning in the tent
Alexander's men: Hey, we can't win with cavalry against infantry!
Alexander: Sure you can. Look at de Soto and Pizarro.
Big Honkin' Army goes towards Babylon. Alexander channels
, but he hasn't been born yet, so it ain't no Crispin's Day. Zoom in on Darius. "Oh man. Alexander. We're fucked gentlemen."
TWENTY MINUTES OF REGROUPING AND BLOODY FIGHTING.
Finally Darius retreats and Alexander's won.
Alexander's men: We want to go back to Macedonia!
Alexander: Wait, look at the whores of Babylon!
Angelina Jolie: PLEASE let me come to Babylon! Traitors surround me blah blah blah.
Alexander: We need to kill Darius first.
They hit up Afghanistan and find Darius already pretty much dead.
Alexander's men: Yay! Let's go back to Babylon!
Alexander: No, wait, let's see what's east over here!
Russian Steppe Peasants put on a dance. For some reason, Rosario Dawson is Russian. But you know it's her, 'cos she has a knife.
Alexander: Wow, she's got a knife. I should marry her.
Alexander's men: No, she's a nasty Asian, don't marry her!
Alexander: SHUT UP FOOLS.
Alexander's mother: OK now that you've married a worthless Asian go back to Babylon and let me go too, blah blah blah traitors.
The Wedding Night
Jared Leto: Have this ring as a token of the man-cherry of mine you desire.
Rosario Dawson: MY NEW HUBBY IS A GAY. But I guess he needs an heir
**humping**
Flashback to ten years earlier:
Val Kilmer marries a Greek woman Alexander's age, Angelina Jolie warns him that THIS offspring will be considered the true heir.
Alexander: I wonder what's past the Himalayas?
Alexander's men: Hey maybe we should get back west.
Alexander: SHUT UP WE CAN DO IT!
Indian Monsoon season hits.
All of traveling party: OH SHIT
Flashback to ten years earlier:
At the wedding, the new father-in-law calls Alexander a bastard and he gets all pissed. Drunken king exiles Alexander from court.
Back to "present": Big Indian dance party. Eunuchs dance for the pleasure of, well, Alexander. The rest of his men make fun of his predilictions and one of them, Cleitus, bitches about how he wants to go back home. In some un-complimentary terms. The Indians take a hint and leave during the speech, so only the Macedonians are left. Alexander kills Cleitus.
Flashback to ten years earlier:
Father's wedding games are about to proceed. After telling Alexander that Cleitus is the only one to trust, he enters the coliseum alone, and is murdered. Hephaistion proclaims him as king.
Back to present, they're all stuck in India and Alexander reveals his big plan: they keep going till they hit the ocean, then sail back to Africa to the source of the Nile, then up to Alexandria, then ta-da! Greece.
Alexander's men: Can't we just go home now?
Alexander: FOR ZEUS SAKE IT'S JUST ONE MORE MONTH, YOU FUCKING FOLLOWED ME TEN YEARS.
At which point Reg and I admitted we were bored and turned off the TV.
Alexander dies!
Forty years later, Ptolemy tells students in Alexandria all about his life::
After Val Kilmer married Angelina Jolie and she had Alexander, she teaches him how to tame "snakes", a lesson he finds quite valuable later in life.
Then his dad comes in and is about to fuck his mom when he sees the boy, and yells at his wife for keeping him in her skirts. He does this basically throughout the movie.
Eight Years Later: Alexander wrestles with Ptolemy, Hephaistion and there's a joke about only losing to his thighs. Blah blah bacephalus won to appease an insult to his mother. Twenty years later Philip is killed by Persians and Alexander goes to kill'em all, keeeeel them all.
Planning in the tent
Alexander's men: Hey, we can't win with cavalry against infantry!
Alexander: Sure you can. Look at de Soto and Pizarro.
Big Honkin' Army goes towards Babylon. Alexander channels
TWENTY MINUTES OF REGROUPING AND BLOODY FIGHTING.
Finally Darius retreats and Alexander's won.
Alexander's men: We want to go back to Macedonia!
Alexander: Wait, look at the whores of Babylon!
Angelina Jolie: PLEASE let me come to Babylon! Traitors surround me blah blah blah.
Alexander: We need to kill Darius first.
They hit up Afghanistan and find Darius already pretty much dead.
Alexander's men: Yay! Let's go back to Babylon!
Alexander: No, wait, let's see what's east over here!
Russian Steppe Peasants put on a dance. For some reason, Rosario Dawson is Russian. But you know it's her, 'cos she has a knife.
Alexander: Wow, she's got a knife. I should marry her.
Alexander's men: No, she's a nasty Asian, don't marry her!
Alexander: SHUT UP FOOLS.
Alexander's mother: OK now that you've married a worthless Asian go back to Babylon and let me go too, blah blah blah traitors.
The Wedding Night
Jared Leto: Have this ring as a token of the man-cherry of mine you desire.
Rosario Dawson: MY NEW HUBBY IS A GAY. But I guess he needs an heir
**humping**
Flashback to ten years earlier:
Val Kilmer marries a Greek woman Alexander's age, Angelina Jolie warns him that THIS offspring will be considered the true heir.
Alexander: I wonder what's past the Himalayas?
Alexander's men: Hey maybe we should get back west.
Alexander: SHUT UP WE CAN DO IT!
Indian Monsoon season hits.
All of traveling party: OH SHIT
Flashback to ten years earlier:
At the wedding, the new father-in-law calls Alexander a bastard and he gets all pissed. Drunken king exiles Alexander from court.
Back to "present": Big Indian dance party. Eunuchs dance for the pleasure of, well, Alexander. The rest of his men make fun of his predilictions and one of them, Cleitus, bitches about how he wants to go back home. In some un-complimentary terms. The Indians take a hint and leave during the speech, so only the Macedonians are left. Alexander kills Cleitus.
Flashback to ten years earlier:
Father's wedding games are about to proceed. After telling Alexander that Cleitus is the only one to trust, he enters the coliseum alone, and is murdered. Hephaistion proclaims him as king.
Back to present, they're all stuck in India and Alexander reveals his big plan: they keep going till they hit the ocean, then sail back to Africa to the source of the Nile, then up to Alexandria, then ta-da! Greece.
Alexander's men: Can't we just go home now?
Alexander: FOR ZEUS SAKE IT'S JUST ONE MORE MONTH, YOU FUCKING FOLLOWED ME TEN YEARS.
At which point Reg and I admitted we were bored and turned off the TV.
