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ethics and fidelity - thoughts
In general* most people date other people - have boyfriends or girlfriends - with an implied (or outright) exclusivity clause. It's usually verbal, though, and of course isn't always followed through. I don't know that marriage is different, because while there's a written contract usually, the "forsake all others" thing is generally only spoken. But then there are lots of witnesses and shit. So basically adultery is a breach of contract, which is why people still get divorced over these things. Sure some people keep a willing blind eye, but it's in general a good reason for divorce.
My personal view is that I take marriage seriously. I'm sort of black-or-white on the issue, which is why I don't think I'd ever get married. I think the ideal is the only thing worth doing. Sure, if I personally meet someone that IS my ideal, and he feels the same way, we'll work something out. I'm just realistic enough that I can't really see it happening. But anyway. Because of this, I think adultery is despicable. Normally my "morals" are such that I don't care if I don't know the people involved - like I couldn't ever cheat on my boyfriend with a friend of his, but someone he doesn't know would be more acceptable. But I just think that if you're gonna go through all the farking trouble of marriage/wedding/ceremony, you better damn well be serious about it.
So. I would not marry someone unless they were, literally "THE BEST" I could do. And I would really never ever sleep with a married man. I read those ads in the personals about lonely husbands, and I'm honestly just disgusted. I mean sure I can see that they married women who stopped having sex with them, and that totally sucks, but that's the kind of thing you can figure out by living with someone. Not that I would know or anything. And doesn't everyone realize that you can only fuck someone about seventy-eight times before it starts to get boring?
OPP without the marriage, though, I really have no problem with. Except, like I said, with friends. On the other hand, in general knowing a guy has a girlfriend makes him less attractive. Because to me things that are attractive in a guy are the things that are good for actual relationships. Maybe for a hookup, but in general I have trouble even hooking up with someone whom I wouldn't date. So having a girlfriend is a disadvantage, maybe between being a casual smoker (I can deal with) and consistently drinking too much (I can't put up with). Really the only problem I have is that it means he won't be available.
Which means that, you know, the fact that he probably has to lie to his girlfriend or whatever doesn't bother me. I don't know why, except the "people you don't know" factor. And in general I have a rather pragmatic attitude about lying. I don't think honesty is the absolute best thing in the world bar none. I'm personally not very good at being dishonest, but if you can get away with it, more power to you. The problem is more getting caught lying, I think. It's all rather tricky, and I mainly stick to honesty, again, for pragmatic reasons. Which is probably why I haven't had an exclusive relationship since August; it's easier to tell someone "not gonna do it" than to say "OK" and still step around.
In my mind, if you're in a happy relationship, you're not gonna be out flirting with girls on a weekend night. Maybe I'm wrong, but that's my take on it. So if a dude is gonna flirt anyway, it may as well be with me as with anyone else. BECAUSE I AM AWESOME.
*edit: forget the asterisk, which is just that Polyamory is different of course.
My personal view is that I take marriage seriously. I'm sort of black-or-white on the issue, which is why I don't think I'd ever get married. I think the ideal is the only thing worth doing. Sure, if I personally meet someone that IS my ideal, and he feels the same way, we'll work something out. I'm just realistic enough that I can't really see it happening. But anyway. Because of this, I think adultery is despicable. Normally my "morals" are such that I don't care if I don't know the people involved - like I couldn't ever cheat on my boyfriend with a friend of his, but someone he doesn't know would be more acceptable. But I just think that if you're gonna go through all the farking trouble of marriage/wedding/ceremony, you better damn well be serious about it.
So. I would not marry someone unless they were, literally "THE BEST" I could do. And I would really never ever sleep with a married man. I read those ads in the personals about lonely husbands, and I'm honestly just disgusted. I mean sure I can see that they married women who stopped having sex with them, and that totally sucks, but that's the kind of thing you can figure out by living with someone. Not that I would know or anything. And doesn't everyone realize that you can only fuck someone about seventy-eight times before it starts to get boring?
OPP without the marriage, though, I really have no problem with. Except, like I said, with friends. On the other hand, in general knowing a guy has a girlfriend makes him less attractive. Because to me things that are attractive in a guy are the things that are good for actual relationships. Maybe for a hookup, but in general I have trouble even hooking up with someone whom I wouldn't date. So having a girlfriend is a disadvantage, maybe between being a casual smoker (I can deal with) and consistently drinking too much (I can't put up with). Really the only problem I have is that it means he won't be available.
Which means that, you know, the fact that he probably has to lie to his girlfriend or whatever doesn't bother me. I don't know why, except the "people you don't know" factor. And in general I have a rather pragmatic attitude about lying. I don't think honesty is the absolute best thing in the world bar none. I'm personally not very good at being dishonest, but if you can get away with it, more power to you. The problem is more getting caught lying, I think. It's all rather tricky, and I mainly stick to honesty, again, for pragmatic reasons. Which is probably why I haven't had an exclusive relationship since August; it's easier to tell someone "not gonna do it" than to say "OK" and still step around.
In my mind, if you're in a happy relationship, you're not gonna be out flirting with girls on a weekend night. Maybe I'm wrong, but that's my take on it. So if a dude is gonna flirt anyway, it may as well be with me as with anyone else. BECAUSE I AM AWESOME.
*edit: forget the asterisk, which is just that Polyamory is different of course.
a "no-tolerance" policy...
Re: a "no-tolerance" policy...
Re: a "no-tolerance" policy...
you'd be surprised
Re: you'd be surprised
The one thing I have a problem with in all of this is that I have been in the situation you describe. While I find that my personal honor was not worth much at that time, I think I would have missed out on something beautiful if I had not been open to the possibilities. It certainly might have made life simpler for everybody involved if I or my partner had rules like yours, I'm not sure life would have been happier for any of us. All in all, my honor was a worthy trade for what I got in return. I wish I could say that I knew myself so well when I was married that I would never have to face this type of situation, but with a good decade of retrospective, I think it's fair to say that people change enough that such guarantees are literally impossible.